I am still trying to get started on trauma therapy.

I have tryed EMDR but since it wasnt done consistantly I ended up in worse shape mental healthwise.

This past week my thoughts keep returning to the same memory. One that I had buried deep within my subconscious.

My dad had an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. During good times he was a terrific dad. I know he loves me.

During bad times though I was afraid and angry. Very angry. Whenever home became chaotic I wanted to hold onto my anger.

By the time I was in the fourth grade, I was determined not to forgive him. I wanted to hate him just to keep my heart being broken every time I started to trust him.

I still have this unforgiving heart when it comes to my relationships I have had with men. I hold onto things, as if this sheild will protect me from harm.

This is completely opposite of what I was taught in religion classes at our church and in the Catholic schools I went to. I wonder sometimes if the teachers I had were aware of how many children that they were instructing were being abused or had other trauma.

There’s no going back. The most common theme in my life is to keep moving forward. Don’t look back.